Friday, September 20, 2013

The iPhone is doomed, and it always has been

Every single version of the iPhone to ever be released has been doomed. In fact, some of them were so doomed I'm surprised we even acknowledge their existence anymore. Apple needs to just give up before the company has to start selling coffee mugs from its headquarters just to turn a profit.

Wait, Apple already does that? My god, it's happening.

But don't take my word for it, let's look at all of the extremely well-thought-out arguments as to why each new iPhone was going to flop... until it didn't.

iPhone - 2007

  • It doesn't do 3G - What is this, the dark ages?
  • It's locked to AT&T - Wow, Apple, way to kill your not-even-good smartphone idea before it even got a chance.
  • The camera sucks - No flash? Almost zero options? What a joke.
  • No picture messaging - My brother needs to see this burrito I'm going to eat.
  • No removable battery - Has Apple learned nothing from criticisms of the iPod?
  • No physical keyboard - Smartphones are supposed to have physical keyboards, that's just a fact of life.

iPhone 3G - 2008

  • Still locked to AT&T - Apple must have sold its soul to the devil.
  • No video recording - A brand-new iPhone, still no video recording. Is this a joke, Apple?
  • Can't use it as a 3G modem - Once again, Apple falls behind the top-of-the-line smartphones.
  • From metal to plastic - Why would you ever thing switching from brushed aluminum to plastic was an "upgrade?" The ugliest phone on the market just got uglier.
  • Same camera - This camera was trash in 2007, and it's even trashier trash in 2008.

iPhone 3GS - 2009

  • Still locked to AT&T - Seriously? This is getting a little ridiculous.
  • Videos suck - Apple finally added video, it's a shame the quality is abysmal.
  • The name sucks - What the hell is a 3G S? And is it 3GS or 3G S or 3Gs? Confusing the customer is going to lead to lost sales, Apple, mark my words.
  • No tethering (at launch) - We're now on our third iPhone and Apple still can't figure out a way to get tethering to work.
  • It looks the same - When people buy a new smartphone, they want it to look different. Nobody with an iPhone 3G is even going to care about this one.

iPhone 4 - 2010

  • Still locked to AT&T (at launch) - Someone at AT&T must have some great blackmail on Apple's bigwigs.
  • Antenna issues - Well, that's it for the iPhone brand. Nobody is going to buy a phone when there are videos online showing that just holding the thing causes it to break. Bye bye, Apple!
  • It's a 4, but not 4G - Apple is just trying to trick us into thinking this is a 4G phone. Don't be fooled! Boycott!
  • The cameras still suck - They added a front-facing camera? Who even makes video calls? The rear camera is only 5 megapixels, and what's this weird green tint to my photos? Fail.
  • The new design is horrible - Phones are supposed to be sleek, not boxy. How am I supposed to slide this into my pocket?

iPhone 4s - 2011

  • Same old design - Apple is so far behind in the screen size game they'll never be able to catch up
  • Siri is lame - Apple bet on the wrong virtual horse here, and Siri is going to lose.
  • Battery life is horrible - If I can't go three days without charging my phone, I'm taking it back.
  • Still no 4G - 3G is, like, *so* yesterday.
  • No NFC - Near-field communication is the future, and Apple will be left behind.

iPhone 5 - 2012

  • Screen size, again - A measly half inch? That's what you give us for waiting half a decade? That's it Apple, I'm never buying one of your phones again. Ever.
  • Design is unchanged - It's just a taller 4S, which was just the same as the 4. I'm not buying the same phone for a 3rd time.
  • The Lightning cable - Great, now all my old iPhone charging cords are useless. People will see through Apple's game. They'll go bankrupt for trying scam smart consumers!

iPhone 5s & 5c - 2013

  • Two models - Splitting your market in half? Nice move, Apple, the end is surely nigh.
  • Screen size, again - These things are puny compared to Android phones, who would even want one?
  • Colors are dumb - The iPhone 5c is just a regular iPhone 5 with a fancy plastic back, and the iPhone 5s only gets that ugly gold color added? It's like Apple doesn't even care any more.
  • Touch ID is pointless - Who even locks their phones these days? My phone is always in a safe plac... where'd my phone go?
  • iOS 7 is confusing - Where'd my cute little wooden newsstand go? That's it, I'm switching to Windows Phone.

See what I mean? Apple's iPhone has always been doomed. It's just a good thing that being doomed has never stopped it from selling in record numbers.

[Image credit: magic_quote]

The iPhone is doomed, and it always has been originally appeared on TUAW - The Unofficial Apple Weblog on Fri, 20 Sep 2013 15:30:00 EST. Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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